Stem Cells and Wedding Bells

Cloning still seems to be a hot button issue with everyone these days as various groups argue their points on every shitty news network that nobody watches (except the people that work at the Daily Show and Colbert Report.) Each side has their opinion and they spout it like angry children, creating a daily tirade of "We swear we'd only do it for the good of humanity," and "Playing god is wrong." Nobody takes the time to think about the little things. For instance if you clone yourself, and then proceed to have a romantic involvement with said clone, does that make you gay? Technically you're just gettin down with yourself, which makes it a complex form of masturbation. Another question is who would clone themselves just to have hot self on self action? And what if your clone isn't in to you? How bad is it if you get rejected by yourself? And even if things go great with yourself where does it go from there? Do you marry yourself? Gay marriage is a big enough issue, how red in the face would the republicans get if you tried to put the ring on your own finger? You can't have kids so should you adopt? Although why bother adopting when you can just make little clone babies of yourself? Hell before you know it you got a whole goddamn family of you runnin around the house all tryin to do the same thing at the same time. You end up screamin in your own face because you drank all the milk and didn't leave any for the rest of the yous.

The Secret Lives of Your Childhood Entertainers

The Fraggle Rock creatures had to live underground because it was the only place they could hide their crystal meth labs.

Lassie was a youth nazi.

Mr. T. did so many expiremental steroids that they actually turned him into Barry Bonds.

Spider-man was a peeping tom.

Mr. Rogers was a hardcore porn addict with a taste for bestiality.

Kermit the frog used to get hopped up on methamphetamines and beat Miss Piggy.

The Transformers used to transform into taxi cabs and rob whoever got in them.

The Ninja Turtles used to trip old ladies walking over sewer grates then steal their shoes.

Big Bird owned a big white van with no windows.

Inspector Gadget used to make fun of amputees.

The Mario Bros. used to eat the mushroom people they were friends with just so they could trip.

The Looney Tunes were a rogues gallery of addicts, convicts, and republicans.

Charles Barkley used to..., oh wait, everybody already knows Barkley was out of control.

Batman had a gadget for everything, including one to retrieve gerbils he and Robin had "misplaced."

The Cabbage Patch Kids alway said that border patrol was their dream job.

Tweety Bird once shot a man just to watch him die, then shot another one out of pure bloodlust.

Scooby Doo used to pimp Scrappy out to Michael Jackson for weed money.

Rin-tin-tin founded the Anti-Humanity League. Animal rights activism to the extreme.

He is the NBA's Most Valuable Player. Bleh.

So Kobe Bryant has finally won the NBA's Most Valuable Award..., well damnit. Kobe started this season by trashing his teammates and demanding a trade from the team he won three titles with, and I'm sure somewhere in there he kicked a puppy or two. When the trade didn't come his team responded to his verbal abuse by playing better surprisingly enough. So he realizes he can win with this squad, starts passing the ball, and ceases his Kobe-ball routine (the one on five jump shot show.) Now all season he gets praised for playing better team ball, a professional player, twelve years, three titles, and truckloads of talk about him being the best player period in the NBA, and now he starts involving his teammates. This season has been huge for Kobe, and I do commend him, for learning to stop being a douchebag. That's what this MVP is for, congratulations Kobe on not being a complete asshole anymore. I know you talked your kids into making those "Daddy for MVP" signs Kobe. When the devil comes to collect on your soul I'll be the guy in the back laughing and screaming "pop your jersey now you overpaid clown!"

On a side note, seriously, Kobe over Chris I'm-single-handedly-saving-basketball-in-New-Orleans Paul? I feel like maybe it should've gone the other way.

And on another side note is Kobe the best player or is it Lebron? I don’t care if Bron Bron is in the Leastern Conference his supporting cast is a helping heap of poo sandwich with a Ben Wallace afro on top.

Yes I am biased, I hate Kobe Bryant.

Some Questions to Ponder

Here are some questions to ponder next time you're on the shitter or waiting in line.

Why do old people waste what precious little breath they have left to tell me how (supposedly) good I have it?

Why would anybody want to be a dermatologist?

Why do people tell me they want clean air when they see me smoking, then get into their cars?

Why are all Indiana pro sports teams incapable of sustained winning?

Why is "Dancing with the Stars" so popular?

Who is the tiny man inside the gorilla suit that is Shaquille O'Neal?

Why isn't Will Smith the Fresh Prince anymore?

How much glass did Tom Waits eat to get his voice?

Why isn't the vasectomy more popular in China?

Where is John C. McGinley's emmy for Scrubs?

If abortion is legal why isn't stem cell research?

At what point did evolution decide that a human with a tail is a bad idea?

What good is a rainforest anyway? It's not like we need trees to breathe.

Why isn't monopoly money legal tender?

Why do fat people blame fast food for making them fat? Were they forced to eat it?

If I got Britney Spears pregnant would I get a record deal too?

Why do zombies crave brains?

What the hell is a hova Jay-Z?

Who is Ashlee Simpson's plastic surgeon? I'm thinking of having my own face mutilated.

Where did all the cowboys go? Were they that embarrassed by Brokeback Mountain?

Why don't the Mythbusters bust the myth that Michael Jackson was once a black guy?

How did herpes evolve to the point that it could walk, talk, and be named Paris Hilton?

How many of the Smurfs were smurfing each other in the smurf?

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? More importantly does anybody give a shit?

Why isn't the Superbowl a national holiday yet?

Why is Carlos Mencia allowed near a microphone when every other word out of his mouth is a racial slur?

Who let Jada Pinkett Smith in a metal band?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it's teeth had been ripped out by someone tired of children's rhymes?