New Years Resolutions (When you're too lazy to come up with your own)

With the new year right around the corner most of you will begin formulating your New Years resolutions to forget about two weeks into 2009. Instead of all that messy self analyzing searching for that thing you want to change, why not just pick from this handy list of resolutions I have crafted here for you.

I will quit smoking. (Boring)

I will lose weight. (I will describe this resolution with the name Paris Hilton, which I will from now on use as a derogatory term meaning vapid and uninteresting)

I will pledge my life to The Family International. (Slightly more interesting)

I will eat my body weight in marshmallow peeps over the course of two weeks. (Have fun with that)

I will no longer rely on my pack to encircle my prey (woolly mammoths), and will hunt on my own for the first time. (Now we're getting somewhere)

I will teach a monkey to race on a bicycle. (Hell yes!)

I will teach a lion to ride a horse. (Hell yes again!)

I will design and build an entirely new chromosome. (Okay your head is officially in the clouds now, time to come back to earth. You couldn't even build that computer desk from Ikea, stay away from genetic structures.)