Ways to Waste Time vol. 1

So you're sitting at your desk at work (not working obviously, you never do any work lazy American), and surprisingly enough you've grown tired of looking at pornography. Now you don't know what to do with your time, luckily enough for you every week now I will suggest possible ways to waste your time.

This week we kick off with some fellow blogs to read that will take a nice chunk out of your day, also hours of your life that you'll never get back. Use your little mouse thingy to scroll down this screen and locate my followed blogs list on the right. If you enjoy following the National Basketball Association and laughing as much as I do then Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm are perfect for you. If you are a movie buff then Screen Savour has got all the movie reviews necessary to keep you rapt and staring at your computer screen long enoough for that little bit of drool to escape and drop on your keyboard because you don't close your mouth mouth-breather. Finally, if professional wrestling and pop culture referencing floats your floating contraption then Shotgun Renaissance will routinely poke you in that special place (your eye.)

New Years Resolutions (When you're too lazy to come up with your own)

With the new year right around the corner most of you will begin formulating your New Years resolutions to forget about two weeks into 2009. Instead of all that messy self analyzing searching for that thing you want to change, why not just pick from this handy list of resolutions I have crafted here for you.

I will quit smoking. (Boring)

I will lose weight. (I will describe this resolution with the name Paris Hilton, which I will from now on use as a derogatory term meaning vapid and uninteresting)

I will pledge my life to The Family International. (Slightly more interesting)

I will eat my body weight in marshmallow peeps over the course of two weeks. (Have fun with that)

I will no longer rely on my pack to encircle my prey (woolly mammoths), and will hunt on my own for the first time. (Now we're getting somewhere)

I will teach a monkey to race on a bicycle. (Hell yes!)

I will teach a lion to ride a horse. (Hell yes again!)

I will design and build an entirely new chromosome. (Okay your head is officially in the clouds now, time to come back to earth. You couldn't even build that computer desk from Ikea, stay away from genetic structures.)

Willis9's Best of 2008: The Music

Ever since the Native Americans invented music with drums made from clay and human flesh it has played an integral part in people stuff. Today's whirs and clicks are a far cry from what music began as, but I (an expert in all things that happen to be my opinion) now present what are in my opinion the best albums (I've listened to) released in 2008.


"The Dusty Foot Philosopher" - K'Naan

Yeah I know this album came out in Canada three years ago but it just made it to America this year so I'm happily including it on my list. This album combines hip-hop beats with world music and along with K'Naan's unique style make it easily one of the best rap albums of the year.

Choice Song - If Rap Gets Jealous


"The Quilt" - Gym Class Heroes

The Gym Class Heroes continue to translate their uptempo alt-hip-hop into success, and while this album isn't quite as good as their last it still ranks head and shoulders over most of the music put out this year.

Choice Song - Cookie Jar



"One of the Boys" - Katy Perry

This album may be girl power pop but Katy Perry does it better than anyone in recent memory. Not to mention being responsible for the catchiest damn single of the year. On a side note Katy Perry is hot, like real hot.

Choice Song - I Kissed A Girl



"Partie Traumatic" - Black Kids

Their debut album is packed full of songs that will be stuck in your head for days after listening. This is pop music at its best, energetic and catchy. Rolling Stone named the Black Kids one of their "Artists to watch" this year, and there is a reason for that.

Choice Song - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You



"When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold" - Atmosphere

The beats and the lyrics are all top-notch, but what really sets this album apart is the rap duo's storytelling prowess. While the stories told are sad and can be a bit of a downer the music is excellent. Bonus points are given for the best album title of the year.

Choice Song - Yesterday



"Fight With Tools" - Flobots

If someone put a gun to my head and made me choose an overall best of the year album I would go with this one. The Flobots can be a tad preachy but their music is genre straddling and this album rates as the best of each genre that it touches this year.

Choice Song - Handlebars


"MC Chris is Dead" - MC Chris

Discover MC Chris. Listen to his music. Listen to this album. Do yourself a favor and go see him live. Hurry.

Choice Song - Nrrrd Grrrl


There are many albums I have yet to listen to that could probably make this list. 808's and Heartbreak comes to mind, maybe I'll update this later.

Lil Wayne sucks.

The Chairman of the Board

Look up pimp in the dictionary, ya know, if you're bored. The entry should look more like this.

Merry Christmas

We're only five days from Christmas and I'm ready for it, and ready to ring in the new year. The open of 2009 means only one thing: only six or so months before the launch of the Large Hadron Collider! So Merry Christmas from all one of us here. Next year scientists may tear a hole in reality, which would be awesome.

Stem Cells and Wedding Bells

Cloning still seems to be a hot button issue with everyone these days as various groups argue their points on every shitty news network that nobody watches (except the people that work at the Daily Show and Colbert Report.) Each side has their opinion and they spout it like angry children, creating a daily tirade of "We swear we'd only do it for the good of humanity," and "Playing god is wrong." Nobody takes the time to think about the little things. For instance if you clone yourself, and then proceed to have a romantic involvement with said clone, does that make you gay? Technically you're just gettin down with yourself, which makes it a complex form of masturbation. Another question is who would clone themselves just to have hot self on self action? And what if your clone isn't in to you? How bad is it if you get rejected by yourself? And even if things go great with yourself where does it go from there? Do you marry yourself? Gay marriage is a big enough issue, how red in the face would the republicans get if you tried to put the ring on your own finger? You can't have kids so should you adopt? Although why bother adopting when you can just make little clone babies of yourself? Hell before you know it you got a whole goddamn family of you runnin around the house all tryin to do the same thing at the same time. You end up screamin in your own face because you drank all the milk and didn't leave any for the rest of the yous.

The Secret Lives of Your Childhood Entertainers

The Fraggle Rock creatures had to live underground because it was the only place they could hide their crystal meth labs.

Lassie was a youth nazi.

Mr. T. did so many expiremental steroids that they actually turned him into Barry Bonds.

Spider-man was a peeping tom.

Mr. Rogers was a hardcore porn addict with a taste for bestiality.

Kermit the frog used to get hopped up on methamphetamines and beat Miss Piggy.

The Transformers used to transform into taxi cabs and rob whoever got in them.

The Ninja Turtles used to trip old ladies walking over sewer grates then steal their shoes.

Big Bird owned a big white van with no windows.

Inspector Gadget used to make fun of amputees.

The Mario Bros. used to eat the mushroom people they were friends with just so they could trip.

The Looney Tunes were a rogues gallery of addicts, convicts, and republicans.

Charles Barkley used to..., oh wait, everybody already knows Barkley was out of control.

Batman had a gadget for everything, including one to retrieve gerbils he and Robin had "misplaced."

The Cabbage Patch Kids alway said that border patrol was their dream job.

Tweety Bird once shot a man just to watch him die, then shot another one out of pure bloodlust.

Scooby Doo used to pimp Scrappy out to Michael Jackson for weed money.

Rin-tin-tin founded the Anti-Humanity League. Animal rights activism to the extreme.

He is the NBA's Most Valuable Player. Bleh.

So Kobe Bryant has finally won the NBA's Most Valuable Award..., well damnit. Kobe started this season by trashing his teammates and demanding a trade from the team he won three titles with, and I'm sure somewhere in there he kicked a puppy or two. When the trade didn't come his team responded to his verbal abuse by playing better surprisingly enough. So he realizes he can win with this squad, starts passing the ball, and ceases his Kobe-ball routine (the one on five jump shot show.) Now all season he gets praised for playing better team ball, a professional player, twelve years, three titles, and truckloads of talk about him being the best player period in the NBA, and now he starts involving his teammates. This season has been huge for Kobe, and I do commend him, for learning to stop being a douchebag. That's what this MVP is for, congratulations Kobe on not being a complete asshole anymore. I know you talked your kids into making those "Daddy for MVP" signs Kobe. When the devil comes to collect on your soul I'll be the guy in the back laughing and screaming "pop your jersey now you overpaid clown!"

On a side note, seriously, Kobe over Chris I'm-single-handedly-saving-basketball-in-New-Orleans Paul? I feel like maybe it should've gone the other way.

And on another side note is Kobe the best player or is it Lebron? I don’t care if Bron Bron is in the Leastern Conference his supporting cast is a helping heap of poo sandwich with a Ben Wallace afro on top.

Yes I am biased, I hate Kobe Bryant.

Some Questions to Ponder

Here are some questions to ponder next time you're on the shitter or waiting in line.

Why do old people waste what precious little breath they have left to tell me how (supposedly) good I have it?

Why would anybody want to be a dermatologist?

Why do people tell me they want clean air when they see me smoking, then get into their cars?

Why are all Indiana pro sports teams incapable of sustained winning?

Why is "Dancing with the Stars" so popular?

Who is the tiny man inside the gorilla suit that is Shaquille O'Neal?

Why isn't Will Smith the Fresh Prince anymore?

How much glass did Tom Waits eat to get his voice?

Why isn't the vasectomy more popular in China?

Where is John C. McGinley's emmy for Scrubs?

If abortion is legal why isn't stem cell research?

At what point did evolution decide that a human with a tail is a bad idea?

What good is a rainforest anyway? It's not like we need trees to breathe.

Why isn't monopoly money legal tender?

Why do fat people blame fast food for making them fat? Were they forced to eat it?

If I got Britney Spears pregnant would I get a record deal too?

Why do zombies crave brains?

What the hell is a hova Jay-Z?

Who is Ashlee Simpson's plastic surgeon? I'm thinking of having my own face mutilated.

Where did all the cowboys go? Were they that embarrassed by Brokeback Mountain?

Why don't the Mythbusters bust the myth that Michael Jackson was once a black guy?

How did herpes evolve to the point that it could walk, talk, and be named Paris Hilton?

How many of the Smurfs were smurfing each other in the smurf?

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? More importantly does anybody give a shit?

Why isn't the Superbowl a national holiday yet?

Why is Carlos Mencia allowed near a microphone when every other word out of his mouth is a racial slur?

Who let Jada Pinkett Smith in a metal band?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it's teeth had been ripped out by someone tired of children's rhymes?