Some Questions to Ponder

Here are some questions to ponder next time you're on the shitter or waiting in line.

Why do old people waste what precious little breath they have left to tell me how (supposedly) good I have it?

Why would anybody want to be a dermatologist?

Why do people tell me they want clean air when they see me smoking, then get into their cars?

Why are all Indiana pro sports teams incapable of sustained winning?

Why is "Dancing with the Stars" so popular?

Who is the tiny man inside the gorilla suit that is Shaquille O'Neal?

Why isn't Will Smith the Fresh Prince anymore?

How much glass did Tom Waits eat to get his voice?

Why isn't the vasectomy more popular in China?

Where is John C. McGinley's emmy for Scrubs?

If abortion is legal why isn't stem cell research?

At what point did evolution decide that a human with a tail is a bad idea?

What good is a rainforest anyway? It's not like we need trees to breathe.

Why isn't monopoly money legal tender?

Why do fat people blame fast food for making them fat? Were they forced to eat it?

If I got Britney Spears pregnant would I get a record deal too?

Why do zombies crave brains?

What the hell is a hova Jay-Z?

Who is Ashlee Simpson's plastic surgeon? I'm thinking of having my own face mutilated.

Where did all the cowboys go? Were they that embarrassed by Brokeback Mountain?

Why don't the Mythbusters bust the myth that Michael Jackson was once a black guy?

How did herpes evolve to the point that it could walk, talk, and be named Paris Hilton?

How many of the Smurfs were smurfing each other in the smurf?

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? More importantly does anybody give a shit?

Why isn't the Superbowl a national holiday yet?

Why is Carlos Mencia allowed near a microphone when every other word out of his mouth is a racial slur?

Who let Jada Pinkett Smith in a metal band?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it's teeth had been ripped out by someone tired of children's rhymes?